Am I being controlling or are they?

Ordinary friction is two people disagreeing about something both of them get a say in. Coercive control is a pattern in which one person’s freedom gets smaller and fear gets bigger, through monitoring, controlling money, isolating someone from friends and family, threats or punishing silences, and those are not normal relationship friction.

So the useful question is not “who feels controlled?” Both people in a tense relationship often do. It is three narrower questions: is this a pattern, is anyone afraid, and is anyone’s world shrinking?

What is the difference between a fight and control?

Researcher Michael Johnson noticed that general surveys and police, hospital and shelter records seemed to describe different worlds. His answer, laid out in a 2008 book, was that they were counting different things.2 Johnson separated situational couple violence, conflict that escalates out of a specific argument and is not about general control, from intimate terrorism, which is embedded in a broader pattern of coercive control.2 The first, he argued, is the most common kind.2

Coercive control does not need physical violence to count. An NPR report on the push to define it legally described it as a core symptom of abuse, not a warning sign on the way to one, and listed the kind of behavior involved: screening a partner’s calls, choosing what clothes are “appropriate”, cutting a partner off from friends and family.1

Notice what that list has in common. None of it is a disagreement. Each item makes someone’s life a little smaller.

Why can both people feel controlled?

Because pressure is part of ordinary conflict. Wanting something from a partner, and being annoyed when you do not get it, is how two lives negotiate.

Take Kiran and Anouk, a year together. Kiran says Anouk is controlling because she objected to him booking a weekend trip with friends without asking. Anouk says Kiran is controlling because he sighs every time she works late. Pull it apart:

• What happened: a trip booked without a conversation; repeated sighing about late nights.
• The reading: each of them thinks the other is trying to run their life.
• The fear: that this is the shape of things now.
• The next step: check the three questions. Nobody’s phone is checked, nobody’s money is restricted, nobody is afraid to bring it up. That is friction, and an ordinary conversation is the right tool.

Two-way reports are common in research samples too. When researchers Dutton and Goodman tested a measure of nonviolent coercive control in 2004, 245 of their 757 participants reported both experiencing and using partner violence.4 In plain terms: “we both do it” is a frequent answer, which is exactly why researchers do not stop there. They look at demands, surveillance and coercion, and at what those do to the person on the receiving end.4

What does fear have to do with it?

Here is the part most people find surprising. In a study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 398 young adults described their dating relationships in an online survey.3 People who had experienced situational couple violence were no more afraid of their partners than people in relationships with no abuse at all.3 People facing coercive control, with or without physical violence, were significantly more afraid.3

Dutton and Goodman found something similar: higher coercion scores went with more fear, more depression and more symptoms of post-traumatic stress.4

Translated into what you can actually see: an argument can be loud and still leave both people free. Control can be quiet and still leave one person editing every sentence. If you are scared of how your partner will react, to a plan, a friend, a purchase or a “no”, that is the signal to take seriously. You do not need to be certain first. An advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (linked on this page) can talk it through and help you make a safety plan.

One common suggestion does not fit here. The Hotline does not encourage couples counseling when there is abuse, because abuse is not a shared relationship problem and what is said in a session can be used against the person who is afraid.5

What if you’re worried it’s you?

Asking is a decent first step. The Hotline says it is contacted often by people who worry their own behavior is unhealthy, and it treats them with dignity while holding them accountable.6

The path it and University of Florida extension educators describe is plain.67

• Name the behavior, not the feeling behind it. “I check her location” or “I go cold when he sees his friends” is more useful than “I get insecure”.
• Stop the monitoring today. No phone, location, messages or accounts. Reassurance you extract is not trust.
• Drop the excuses. Stress, jealousy and a hard past may explain a feeling. They do not make the behavior your partner’s fault.7
• Take responsibility without asking for anything back. An apology that requires forgiveness is another demand.
• Get real help. The Hotline can help find intervention programs, and a licensed therapist can work on what drives the behavior.6 The Hotline is blunt that abuse is a choice and that change means learning to share power.6

None of that excuses harm already done. It is how harm stops.

What to do this week

• Run the three questions on one recent conflict. Pattern, fear, shrinking freedom. Keep any notes somewhere only you can reach.
• If you feel afraid, contact the Hotline on this page from a device your partner cannot check. Ask about safety planning. Do not raise it with your partner first.
• If it is friction, pick a calm hour and talk about the specific thing, not about who is controlling whom.
• If it is you, stop checking today, tell a therapist or the Hotline what you have been doing, and let your partner’s choices be theirs.
• Tell one trusted person what is going on, whichever side you are on.

What doesn’t the research show?

• Johnson’s types are categories researchers argue about. Real relationships do not always sort neatly, and a typology cannot classify yours.2
• The fear study surveyed young adults about dating relationships, online and at one point in time, so it shows a link, not a test you can score.3
• The Dutton and Goodman measure was built for research, with people from two metropolitan areas, not as a self-check.4
• The NPR report describes behaviors and a legal debate, not how often each behavior happens.1
• Hotline and extension guidance is practical advice from advocates and educators, not a trial showing which path to change works best.67